Okay, when you make a decision; you are supposed ot feel at peace with it right? Well I wish I was at peace with my decision. I am just not okay with the decision that I made to stay here in South Bend, for now.
I know that if God wanted this for me that he would make it possible and that things would work out if I was supposed ot move to Cleveland or any other place for that matter. I put my best efforts in to making that move possible by making all of the phone calls that I needed to make and I followed up with the previous job inquiries that I had made before. I got a few that were interested in interviewing me and two that really wanted to interview me what I was in Cleveland but there is not going to be enough time for me to do two interviews and even with doing the interview there is no gaurantee that I will get hired on the spot anyway.
But; all of that said, I still feel like I have not made the rignt decision, I feel a knot in my stomach and just feel like I need ot pursue this a littel more. But the price I pay to pursue this, is it worth loosing a job over? I already have a job here in South Bend; this job has great benifits and insurance. But if I stay any longer in Cleveland than I am supposed to it is gauranteed that I will lose the job I have here in South Bend.
I contine to pray that I do the right thing, because right now I am questioning whether I have done the right thing and according to who?
Well, it is getting close to me having to make a decision as far as what I am going to do. In doing a lot of thinking; I have decided tentativly to stay here in South Bend, even though I do not want to. In looking at moving to Cleveland there are just too many things that need to happen that are not going to in the amount of time that I have to be in Cleveland. Not only that but, I am not going to Cleveland for me, I am going for Shannon, who will take heer final vows in a matter of a week. It is important that I use the time in Cleveland to be there for her and not have my own agenda.
The options for me to stay in South Bend are not what I wanted either, and if my grandma does not back off I do not know what I am going to do. I love her to death, but everytime the subject is approached, some how I am the one in tears trying to tell her that this is my decision to make, and not anyone else's. I know that she means well, but I am tired of talking about this with her and beating the subject to death and then still be in the same spot before the discussion even started.
Living in my mom's house will be okay, I guess, it certainly is not what I wanted, however, with my mom not there I can make some changes and I can live on my own and at the same time not have to pay ALL of the bills. No, it is not what I wanted, but it seems to be the only way that I can achieve part of my goal in getting on my own; for now. I hope that my mom understands that I am not going to stay here for ever. I am going ot eventually say, "Screw this I am gone." and leave for some where other than this town.
During the academic year what I am going to have to do is focus on saving my money and making phone calls for different jobs, so that when I am ready to get out of here, I have something to go to. I wanted out of South Bend so bad and not many people "get it." I want ot get away from all of the baggage that I have here in South Bend. I want to be in a place where I can be ME and not have so many expectations placed on me from certain people here. I want to be able to make decisions that I do not have to justify all of the time, I am not a child.
I can not believe that I am going to admit this; I am missing one person nad unfortunatley I can not bring this person back. But, Greg would be the one person in my imediate family that would understand what I want and do anything to help me instead of attempting to hold on to me. He would help me to make the best decisions that would help me to succeed. I know that I can not bring him back but, I really wish that he was here right now.
Well, I just hope that I do not regret this decision. I hope that I am going to be happy, because if not, it is going to be a long school year.
Okay, today, I find myself more confused than I already was. I met with the priets at my parish to discuss a positiont hat he thought he had open; there was no position. Not to mention that what the position was for did not even exist. Let me explain. The pastor called me about a position doing youth ministry; but in talking to him there was no youth group because the kids in the parish were not interested in more anything more than just dances and open gym nights. According ot the pastor they have tried ot do more than just gym nights nad dances but the kids are not interested in anything else and the high school kids are too busy with everything else.
After talking about the whole youth ministry idea we talked about the decision that I have to make about whether or not to go to Cleveland now or wait. As we talked he gave me great advice, what it came down to was that he beleived that I already knew what I was going to do. He said that he could understand the idea of wanting to get on ym own and the desire that I had for independence. But his advice did not make my decision any easier that before we talked.
I am not looking for an easy answer; I am looking for guidance from someone who "Gets it" and who can talk to me objectivly and help me see both sides of the decision. I know how my mom and grandma feels and frankly I do not want to hear anymore. I am tired of talking to them about decisions I am making and some how it always ends up coming down to how my decisions will affect them and what is best for them. When is it going to be what is best for me. I want ot know when a decision is going to be able to be made by me that I feel good about and not like I have been buldosed into making a decision that makes my mom and grandma happy and me feel like I did not make the decision.
Well, I am going to continue to pray about my decision and all of the variables and then talk to two more people and after that I will hopefully make the best decision that I can with the information that I have.
Well, I was wondering when the other shoe would drop. In my previous blogs I have written about my opportunity to move to Cleveland, Ohio. What had amazed me was how supportive my mom was in my efforts to do just that; move to Cleveland. I have had several daycares in Cleveland and Lakewood want to interview me while I am there for Shannon's final vows. Since Tuesday, I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of searching for jobs and thinking about what moving to Cleveland will mean and whether I can manage all that will come with it.
Well, as I predicted the other shoe dropped. My mom tells me today that she really believes that me moving to Cleveland is not a good idea right now. She says that I should stay here and I should just take over her house and live there while she suppliments what I can not pay. But I DO NOT WANT TO STAY HERE!!!! I wanto be on my own with no baggage. I want to be able to handle all of the responsibilities that come with living on my own and do that out of South Bend, Indiana. She tells me that they ( she and Joe along with my grandma) have talked about it and theny all feel that I should stay here where I have a job with insurance and a bus route that I know better.
What I do not know or understand is that if I am supposed to be smart and make good decisions why my mom would question my judgement. I am not going to make a hasty decision or make a decision that in a few weeks I am going to regret. I understand that by going to Cleveland that I am not going to have family there and that it will be a while before I can see them. But I truly believe that there will be less baggage for me to deal with in Cleveland and that I will be able to make better, more realistic decisions in Cleveland. I also want to be in a place where I can be me, and actually live my life, not my life the way someone else believes I should live it.
Now, I am not stupid, I know that I have bills and responsibilities that I will have to deal with in Cleveland just like I do here, but I will not have someone constantly wondering if I have taken care of my responsibilities or not. I take care of my responsibilities. My mom says t hat I am an adult and that they will suppot me in what ever decision I make. But what I want to know is when Joe became part of the imput into a decision that I am trying to make. I talked ot my mom about nad know he is putting his two cents in. I believe that I asked my mom nad I have also talked ot my grandma. But I suppose that since my mom and Joe spend pretty muhc 4 out of 7 days together that she is going to share things with him.
I know what my head and my gut tell me to do, but I am going to wait a week before I make my decision. I jsut hope that I do not look back and regret it.
In my life; I have tried to control most of what happens. I have trieed t ocntrol the outcome of a plan that I have made and most of the itme it does not work. Something happens in the course of planning or getting ready to follow through with "my" plan and I end up getting very frustrated and angry. I then question why things have turned out hte way they have. When I give up the control it is amazing what happens and how much better things turn out when I let go and give the control over to God and say, "Here, you can deal with this."
Now I am ashamed to admit this, and can not believe that I am putting this doen in my blog. Over the last few months I have have been angry that my life seemed to be at a stand still. I felt like everyone was getting theopportunity to change things in their lives; living situations and job situations. I felt stuck, like I had no options and that I was going to have to stay where I was and deal with the situation that I had been dealt. I was very angry at the whole thing; NOT at anyone! But I wanted to change my life's current situation and make things more enjoyable for me. But there again, I wanted the control. I did not want to wait for God to decide what my life's path was going to be, so I tried making the changes and making the plans to leave my current situation. It did not work; what came of my plans was more and more frustration and tears. I was not yet ready to give up the control.
Then something happend; I was praying one night, about a week ago and I felt like weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then a few days later I got a phone call from a friend offering me a place to live in Cleveland. Now, I had not called her, or said anything to her in months about this. I was in total awe at what was happening. Then after talking with her I got on the internet and began searching for jobs that were currently available in the area in which I would be living and found several; in cluding one that I had interviewed over the phone for. That job was still available. I also found several others that after talking with them, they want me to interview for the positions. The following day, I get a phone call about a Youth Ministry position here in South Bend that is available.
I guess this is what happend when you give up the control of your path to God. I am totally in awe of what is happening. It seems like every day now; another job is coming available and more places want to interview me. I pray that as this all unfolds and that as I walk this journey that God be totally in control and that I am able to leave him in charge of this and that I do not try and take back the control.
If you have read this, please pray for me. Normally I do not ask for people to pray for me, buit I really believe that this could be the answer to so many prayers that I have prayed and that I will finally be able to start living the life that I know I am supposed to be living.
God Is In Control!
Okay, some of my friends know that I have been trying to write this book. It is supposed to be a love story; what it has evolved into is more of my fantasy life. In this story the main charactor is for all intent and purposes me. The other charactors in the story are supposed ot be my sisters and my friends.
This story has changed over the last few years and finally I am close to finishing the story. In working on the story I have been able to deal with many of my own personal issues and speak my mind nad share my feelings on things without worrying about who is reading it or who is going to find out something that they have not been told. I am so tired of defending myself to everyone who does not approve of the fact that I am bi. I understand that it is difficult to understand and accept, however, to ask someone to put their life on hold so that you can figure out how to deal with the fact that you have a friend that it bi, is not fair and in my case is not going to happen.
In writing about this through the characters in ym story it has helped me to say the things that I want ot say knowing that in my story the character can not walk away from me and I can actually say what I need to say and get it all out.
Well, I feel better, I know that someone is going to read this and be real surprised, others are not. If you are surprised and have questions; ask, do not just make assumptions and leave it at that. Because afterall we all know what happens when we assume something...
Well, I have not been on in a few days and some things have changed since I last blogged.
One of the decisions that I have made is that for now, I am not going to go to Denver. There are way too many factors to keep me here in the midwest that far outway the advantages to moving out to Denver. I love my cousin nad truly do appreciate her willingness to allow me to move out there with her nad her husband.
Another decision that I have made since I last blogged is that I am thinking about going on with my education. I know that I just finished my degree and that I have loans coming out of my ears. However, I want to continue to learn; I do not want to stop taking classes in order to reach my goal. Maybe I should wait, I do not know. But what I do know is that I am not going to just go to work and then come home and do nothing. I need to find something to do so that I stay active.
Well, sadly that is all I ahve for now. Maybe I will think of more to write later.
Today I feel wierd. There are so many decisions to be made in the next few weeks. I am stressed out becasue I can not do what I need and want to do. I am stuck at the moment working for the school corporation; now do not get me wrong; I enjoy it. However, I would love to get into a daycare and be able to put to use the education that I have paid thousands of dollars into in order to get.
Another thing that is going on is my living situation; my mom has approached me and asked if I would like to take over living at that house and she would supliment what I could not pay. Another option is to get an apartment of my own and then it would be fully furnished with the items from the house. I also have been encouraged via my cousin to move out to Denver. Whilethat is an awesome idea and suggestion; I just do not want to be that far away from everyone that I know. I can deal with being that far away for a while but not indefinatley. I one other option and that is to take over the house that Shannon and Kim live in; but can I manage all of the bills?
I am also trying to decide what else to do when I am not working. I have several options but one of them has to bring me som more money, because I am so tired of not being able to make ends meet and I am tired of not being able to do to go and do the things that I want to. There has to come a point when I can go out and do things and not feel bad about it or wonder if I have the money.
I hope that at some point all of this works out and that I have some things start to go my way.
Wow, what a week it has been.
On Friday we went to the Irish festival which was awesome; there was so much great stuff, I could have blown all of the money that I had left; it would have been so easy to do. The concert that we heard by Gaelic storm was awesome and the best part was that my cousin loved it too. She had never heard the group before and was so happy that I had suggest we go.
On Saturday we went to a dinosaur museum and then to a place called Red Rock. Red Rock was cool; they had several different rock formations which were really neat and to se that the rocks were realy red was neat. On top of the hill was an ampitheatre which was built into the Red Rocks. It was incredable. The there was a vistor's center where you could see all of the performers that have had concerts there since the time that it was opened.
My time in Denver was not nearly long enough; there was so much more that my cousin nad I wanted to do but time just did not allow. I wish that I could have stayed longer. Shannon( my cousin) has offered for me to come and live with her; boy I would do it in a minute, but I am not sure if that is the best solution. We will just have to wait and see.
Today, I have had way too muhc time to think. I knwo that when I have time to think, I get very overwhelmed and can not make heads or tales of anything. So I am going to put my thoughts down her and see what happens.
Okay, first thing; I got a call from my mom that I got first pick for a position at work. That is supposed to be aw3esome right? Then why am I not happy about it? All I ahve wanted since I completed my degree was a position in a daycare doing what I have payed thousands of dollars to learn how to do. I have placed over 30 resumes out for positions that I have found on the net and that I have heard of by way of friends and others. I just want to do what I know I can do and that is take care of children.
Next, I want to get on ym own. I want to have my own place that I can come home too. I have had my mom approach me about a possible solution and I am not sure that it is the best one because it would mean living with my sister; Really do NOT want to do that! Then I have my grandmother who wants me to move in with her; telling you that is NOT happening! But, I do not have the money to get my own place yet. It is driving me crazy to be in this position. I want so badly to be on my won, doing for myself, not relying on anyone else to do for me. It sounds aweful, but I want to be anywhere but South Bend.
There are so many other things going through my head right now that I can not even seperate them to put them into words. I know how I feel but I can not even put that into a word or two. I just wish that things were different and that I could be in a better position and could make happen the things that I want.
